More about Sabrina.......
I'm not sure how early on that I began my fascination with wearing women's
clothing. But I was in junior high school, so that would put me about 15 years
old. I do know that there were no outside influences that got me started,
such as from reading about it or seeing a story on television. So for me,
I thought I was the only guy in the world who dressed like a girl at times,
and felt very guilty about doing it. Despite the guilt, I dressed whenever
I got the chance to. I went through a period of borrowing and returning various
articles of clothing. From hose, to dresses, to skirts and blouses, I tried
them all and felt so unexplainably wonderful wearing them. I was still in
junior high when I started buying my own clothes. For a long time, my only
outfit was a denim skirt, a blouse and denim vest, that looked really great
on the mannequin in the store, and a pair of black pumps. I would dress at
home when I was alone, and believe me, I checked every room and closet in
the house to make sure I was alone, and that the doors were locked!
Once I got into high school, my fascination became stronger. I can remember that not only was I becoming attracted to girls in a boy-girl,sexual, kind of way, but that I also envied the way they were dressing. The guys I went to school with would watch the girls walk by and comment "Hey, would you look at those tits!", and I would be thinking to myself "Wow, look how she's dressed!" Guys just have no fun when it comes to getting dressed.... the same shirt, the same jeans and the same sneakers... every day for a week!!! How boring.
Still in high school, and with a small wardrobe started, and began experimenting with make-up after watching the girls at school. I do remember my wanting to get out of the house dressed, and got my first opportunity when the rest of the family was away.. So, one night, I got dressed, put on my make-up, brushed and styled my hair in a feminine way, and left the security of a house for the first time, and went for a walk that lasted several blocks. I can still remember the feeling of the cool night air on my legs and the wind blowing at my long hair. Such a wonderful feeling. But I remember that when I returned from the walk, I got changed and washed up really fast, put the clothes away and felt really guilty about doing it. Society says "Guys just don't wear girls clothes!!!" Shortly after that, I purged my stash and went on with my life. So I thought...
After high school and still dating, though not frequently, I started compiling a small wardrobe again and purchased my first wig from a mail order. I continued dressing when I was alone, or would leave the house, park somewhere, change, then enjoy a long drive where I could enjoy myself out in the world without really being in out in the world. I went through periods of not dressing for a while, then to dressing often. Although the guilt feelings were always there, I started keeping my clothes when I wasn't actively dressing, rather than purging.
Then came my first serious relationship with the prospect of marriage. I opened up to my fiancé, who appeared to be accepting at the time. However, she cooled to the idea very quickly. So, I kept my dressing to myself and very secret. We did get married, then divorced after a few years, though it was not because of my dressing.
After my divorce, I continued dressing as often as I could, usually about once a month. And to further experiment with my dressing, I even started shaving my legs during the first winter. What a wonderful feeling! That stopped during a period of an on and off relationship, however, I did continue dressing in private. I still felt guilty about doing it.
In 1995, I met my SO. I had not dressed for quite some time, and kind of felt like I had put it all behind me. No need to bring the subject up and tell her about it since I thought it was over. When I moved in with her in 1996, I dug out my clothes and instead of purging, I kept them and hid them away. As I learn more about myself, I know now that my insides were telling me "No, just keep them, you are going to want them sooner or later!" After about a year, one day when the house was empty, I dug out my stash and spent the entire day in front of the mirror. I started dressing again as often as I could, which was usually during business trips when I could dress without fear of being caught, although I still felt guilty afterward. I would even drive from city to city (sounds like song?) dressed in my favorite clothes. Although I always avoided close contact with people, still feeling like there was something wrong with me for what I was doing.
The came the Internet. I started searching the web on the subject and found lots of sexually oriented sites, which turned me right off and made me feel even more guilty about my dressing, which made me crawl deeper into the hole. Then, after the summer of 2000, I began finding sites on the web by others, like me, who shared the desire to dress as a woman on a periodic basis. I began to feel like, WOW, I'm not alone! Nothing pornographic, just stories about people being people. I started visiting TG Gallery and after 25 years of keeping a secret, I finally got up the courage to reach out and contact someone. I am very grateful to Suzie, who responded with her kind words and helpfulness.
As I learn more about myself and my desires to crossdress, I am becoming even more comfortable with myself in my day to day guy life, and when dressed. The first pictures on my photo page were taken during a business trip in 2000, when I had the first opportunity to dress since the summer. Because of the guilty feelings I always had, I have only done a few photos in the past, never wanting a permanent record. I now wish I did. That trip I dressed in my favorite skirt, blouse, high heels and a brand new wig (I love long hair), drove from city to city, and had such an enjoyable time. I spent Sunday doing the photos, and after the day ended, I did not feel any of the guilt feelings that had been so common before.
I am beginning to understand that my desires to crossdress periodically are nothing more than a very real part of me that needs to be expressed once in a while, and that it is not wrong. It is simply being me, the person that I am. Actually, it would be wrong to deny myself the opportunities to do so. In the same way that it would be wrong for anyone to deny themselves anything which gives them pleasure or the freedom of expression, based on what others think. One can only decide for themselves what is best for them!
Opening up to communicate with others about myself and creating this web site to share my thoughts and pictures has gone a long way to help lift a tremendous weight that I have been carrying on my shoulders. I have kept this bottled up for so long and now I feel like I am free to be me.
Although I now have many answers to the many questions I have had about me, and up until October 2001, did not have the courage to discuss this part of me with my SO. When we met, I really did think my crossdressing days were over, so why tell her? Then again, what would I tell her? I didn't even know myself. So now, with so many years together, what or how do I tell her? I just wish it were as simple as saying "Honey, I'd really like to take up golfing in my spare time!".
Since October 2001, my crossdressing is no longer a secret from my
girlfriend, nor my daughter, or my
ex for that matter. My girlfriend does not accept it at all, however,
my daughter and ex-wife encourage it! It is still a secret from many others
in my life. However, it is one that I am no longer feeling guilty about. And
the best part, "Sabrina"
has many wonderful friends, who don't even know "him":-) And that
is really special!
Click here for stories about some of my "Experiences"
Thanks for reading my story,
Sabrina
E-mail me at sabrina_markes@masquerade.ca
Member of the Winnipeg support group - "Masquerade"